Becoming Earnest

I woke this morning to the thunderous sound nearby of artillery, 106mm recoiless rifles to be specific. Unlike much of the world, mine was not being fired in aggression. Outbound rounds of high explosive were sent just below the peaks of Alta ski resort in Alta, Utah to initiate controlled avalanches. It snowed a lot last night, and that is on top of the more than 4ft it snowed a week ago.

I spent my day in fresh powder, skiing off -piste or ungroomed, unmarked terrain. In areas without other people all that exists is the silent sound of hissing snow and you glide down the mountain. Well, trees exist too and it’s rather important to dodge them. This requiring complete focus. There’s no room for legal struggles or work. It’s you, the snow, the trees. It’s peace for me. It’s also validation. I’m a man. I’m strong and capable. I’m vital, alive, and…. getting old.

It’s harder every year. When I can’t anymore will I be able to still think of myself as a man? I think so, well I’m working on it. A lot. Everyday. Pretty much constantly.

I’ve lived a life of adventure. I’ve raced cars on a 6 driver endurance race team. I’ve jumped out of a Twin Otter at 30,000 with members of the US Army’s parachute team, The Golden Knights. I’ve captained my own 45ft catamaran overnight, miles off shore in the ocean, well out of sight of land. And I’ve loved two absolutely beautiful women who gave me four healthy, smart, talented children. But I have lost so, SO much too. Two friends died last year, my first wife passed, and the most difficult, I lost the love, trust, and respect of the woman that I thought was the love of my life, my soulmate, twin-flame.

So here I am, alone, and trying to find peace among artillery. Still trying to prove I am a man, to validate myself. Maybe also skiing my mind’s deepest crevices in hopes of rediscovering my integrity.