Becoming Earnest

Just watched the USA hockey team win gold. The guy that made the shot, his face, body, the very air around him vibrated and lit up. I know that moment, I’ve felt that incredible, once in a lifetime elation. And so the same for love. I’ve felt it. But like everything terrestrial, it eventually evaporates.

Because I’ve had it, experienced that ultimate spike, can life ever be the same again? Will anything ever be enough? I’m not so sure I can.

I struggle to find value in my life. Nothing is ever enough. I’m not saying I’m not grateful, I am. I go through my day saying thanks for almost every simple pleasure, often out loud. A clear sky, a cool breeze, a nice meal, snow, health, waking up, comfortable bed, peace, clean water, they’re all immense gifts and I’m eternally grateful. Where I struggle is finding happiness. I have SO MUCH yet I long for something I can’t define. Sometimes it’s a partner. Other times it’s a place. I am lost and can’t find my way home.

I called my last wife “home”. I call Alta, Utah “home”. They were places my soul felt like it could rest. Alas, she left me in the worst way and worst time. And when I finally reach the slopes at Alta my body has betrayed me too. It all hurts. It’s weak. Yet I still pine for home.